Took a day off to recharge, recharge from this hectic week. I’ve lost my sanity, broke my record of doing OT, 2.30am.

Been feeling so down recently, broke down crying in office on Tuesday night. Things have gotten out of hand. Disappointed, disappointed at how it’s said about the importance of Team work. I don’t want to take sides; a leader with open eyes will be able to see the truth one day, unless that leader is blind of course.

Think about it, I’ve kind of spoilt the market. I’ve done my very best. More and more matter seems to fall under my plate now. It sucks~. All about vying to do the new funds, in the end fall into mine. Is that what they meant by Elevating me in work? “I’m helping you do this month coz by the time you come back it’s too late”, this sentence made her sounded like a saint. She’s helping me to do my work. FFFFFFFFFffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff, I covered you when you are gone, did I ever say to this to you? A lot of anger and frustration, all let out the night I cried. Nobody to blame but myself, I’ve not learnt to draw the line, allowing all the matters to fall into my plate. Sigh.

The last thing I ever want to know is there I am working my ass off with the other colleague, she’s surfing net. I feel so sorry for this colleague of mine, a one line email and she’s expected to get it done. In terms of qualification and experience, I can clearly see that one has more than the other. The only difference is number of years in this company.

Respect is earned; she earned my respect each time she stood up for me. I truly appreciate that, the more I’m willing to take on more duties. However, this doesn’t mean that you can misuse this trust and respect. Time and time, again and again, I tell myself , perhaps it’s not but the fact is, it just is. No matter how hard I close my eyes not to see the ugly part, it just surface eventually. I gave myself all sorts of excuses, she’s expecting, she’s due soon, she misses her baby, she’s moving houses, all sort of reasons to tell myself I should work hard, she’ll be fine soon. I too have my emotional side at work too, during that one month, I know I’m working but I wasn’t paying full attention to work.

Everyone has their own reasons for neglecting work at times for personal reasons, but this is no excuse. Why do some have to work and cover for the lazy ones? Thing’s are not making sense anymore. When times are bad, I’m supposed to guard the fortress, I’m guarding and still guarding, I’m suffocating, choking. Maybe it’s me, taking work too seriously, work is just work, just a rice bowl. I dislike myself for having negative thoughts on people, especially on people whom I work closely with.

I’m seeing true leadership at this chaotic time. A true leader will calm the team member down when all are panicking. One gave me lots encouragements and calmed me down when I broke down. She told me “One thing at a time!” just a short sentence and it helped. One thing at a time. Yes, sometimes I just cant control, especially lately when so many is happening, all of us are having difficulties catching up with our emails.

As a third party, she sees thing from a clearer perspective than those involved. It really helped.

He reminded me, hmmm how am I going to go on holidays with children next time when it’s always month end reporting. Thinking, probably I’ll look for companies with financial year ending 30 June instead.

December yearend means reporting in Jan and auditing in Feb March, which clashes with Chinese New Year. March yearend means working in April and audit in May June which clashes with school exams and holidays.

Hmmm, still a long way to go. At least my only concern now is month end during his summer holidays.

Heading to Aus in 19 days time, made up my mind, I’m no changing the dates, ffff it. If it clashes with her holidays. Sounded as if the Company will collapse if we both were to be away the same time. I gave my words that I’ll get it done before I do and I will.
All the OT, motivation, I’m working for my holidays!
I know he’s going to be unhappy if I’m going to start checking mails and doing my work.
It’s a bad habit but each time I open up my mailbox, I’m like lost in a world of my own, all that he said sounded like murmurs to me. Ooopss… I have to be reasonable this time, Max of 1 hr on emails a day.

Enough of rattles, the worse will soon be over……