*.* Online purchase.... *.*
*.* Missing him.... *.*
*.* Half full cup= what he's done; Half empty =what he's not done...what do I see? *.*
Feel a lot calmer today, I never cry. Learning to hold back my tears. I’m a big girl now. Tearing at the age of 24 is nothing to be proud of.
Looking back at the last few days, what a lunatic I’ve been, I went hysterical. Why did I felt and behaved that way…Regrets for my behaviors now….
Sometimes I just can't remember saying those things to him. Wondering if I have split personality,also term as
Dissociative identity disorder (DID), a mental condition whereby a single individual evidences two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individual's behavior and that there is associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness, often referred to as losing time or acute Dissociative Amnesia.Derealization refers to experiencing familiar persons and surroundings as if they were unfamiliar and strange or unreal. Other symptoms may include: Depersonalization, which refers to feeling unreal, removed from one's self, and detached from one's physical and mental processes. The patient feels like an observer of his life and may actually see himself as if he were watching a movie.. Scaring myself, I’m fine.
I’ve been good, been reading the International Accounting Standards (IAS) for the last 2 days. If only I can bind all my books to be pocket size, I’ll be able to read on the train everyday. Amazing how much I can read to and fro work. Reading is one thing, weekend to focus on how to apply. The hardest part is to convince yourself to study on standards which you might never use, such as for Construction industry, Royalties etc. I want to learn, learn more about financial instructments, to do better draft audit reports next year….Surprised how studying and working can come hand in hand at times…..studying is like an outlet for me to seek clarification on technical problems at work.
2 things that brighten up my day
- He replied my messages ^_^ (like what he always say, to look at the glass half full rather than half empty. Instead of looking at why he doesn’t message me as much before, I should be looking at the end product, that he did messaged, not once, not twice)
2. E told me they are going through the effort to get someone junior, someone really younger than me (seriously, it’s not easy to find, much easier to hire a senior), but because they really appreciate me, don’t want me to feel threaten. T knows how she’s busy etc, came up and asked me how I am, told me about the approval for the new hire and now she’s calling up her referals etc.
I know she doesn’t really like this gal from her tone but I can feel she’s convinced by E to hire. Guess this gal is the most ideal, the past candidates; 1 uttered rubbish at interview, 1 looked like a boy when she’s a girl aka butch I guess, 1 pleasant which they like but found another job plus she’s more senior than me, 1 my friend who they thought was too truthful and ought to brushen up on her interview skills, can’t remember who else, oh ya and this gal. Got me wondering, what were the comments when after they interviewed me.
Thought the followings are common sense question but surprised at the answers received:
Even if you have great plans ahead of you, never to tell the interviewer your want job is nothing relevant to the job you are applying for.
When asked why you want to be in the financial industry, don’t say things like I want to work in a bank eventually, I want to be a trader etc. Just turns the interviewer off!
Don’t criticise systems you’ve used before even though it’s LOUSY. (1 gal mentioned JD Ewards is LOUSY!)
Don’t mention things “My friend told me about it” (Asked her about front office job, she mentioned it’s a sales man job, as told my her frien, does she realised she’s in an interview and not a chit chat session with a friend)
Never provide referal who does not remember who you are. Call them at least to refresh their mind.
For my interview, I was only focused on
“I want to get out of KPMG, I can’t take the working hours, I want to get into the financial industry before applying to banks”, all phrased indirectly.
“I do not have interest for manufacturing insurctry. I want to get into financial industry because I have interest in laerning about financial products,,,blah blah blah….willingness to learn…….”
“I do not want to be moving around, working on different companies, I want to be focus on one company, to do the best to help the company grow….”
Sometimes, other than those technical interviews, it’s all about personality presentation, Smile :>, you get lotsa plus points from that, give them the sweetest smile you have. Make sure it’s genuine though. Be confident, you’ve came so far from resume writing to round after round of interviews…..
Time to ring the bell in the morning, for tutorial time on Geneva..hhahahha....
A cloudy & rainy afternoon, feels like it's telling me to stop weeping once the rain stops.
Memories just kept flashing by, the below's written for him...in memory of this lost love.
23rd Nov 06, the night before our first date, busy baking cookies as my first present to you. My mobile was ringing and ringing, I thought who's this irritating person, ringing when I'm doing something important with my hands still with cookie dough. I picked up and it was you telling me to open my door, the missed calls were from you.Oh No! Surprised to find a card which says
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Dear Princess,
I'll be downstairs
Waiting for you"
And a tube of flowers, the most beautiful colors, my favourite Jacarandas, you've brought it back for me all the way from Brissy.
"Please don't let him see me in this state, unshowered from a whole day of work, smelling like a walking chocolate cookie".
Took the stairs instead of the lift, astonished to find you there with the biggest bouquet of roses. You hugged and pecked me on my cheeks and asked if I can be your steady. I was lost for words....surprises in a row...I know you're shy, so I held you hands..And it was sweaty, I don't care because it's the hand I've been longing to hold.
Our first trip to Sentosa, first time at Vivo City, first movie "Happy Feet", first picture together.....
I fear to commit, afraid that I'll be hurt again, your actions, your promises gradually convinced me, I told you to give me time, I'm not used to being in a relationship, I need time to adapt. You waited patiently for me.....
Towards the end of summer, I know it's going to be hard to move on without you with me..
Tears just dropped the moment you got out from my car to get into your dad's car that Sunday, the first time you're leaving. I teared my way home. I’m already missing you. I didn't know it can be that painful to part with you.
I fell sick the next day, throwing up the office, Stomach Flu...I was on MC, but chatting with you, seeing you on web cam, I recovered. That's when I discovered what is call Lovesick, knowing that you've reached, settled down, hearing you gave me so much comfort and I recovered.
You bought me an air ticket to visit you; I got to see your favorite Hellrot. Your first time on Citycat, the first time on the train, your first time at the Eagle Street, brought you for walk on the golf course, showed you the secret spot, pointed to you the park that I used to walk with Jazi. I was so glad, though we can't enjoy uni life together, at least I've got a chance to share with you, a chance to hitch a ride in your car to uni, a chance to eat Si Bao rice together, a chance to go Mt Cootha together, shopping at the supermarket, road trip to Gold coast....you've realized the dreams that I had in uni.....
Memories flashed by on and off during those 9 days, no matter what I've been there for a full 3 years through ups and downs, if I can control my brain, I would definitely prevent those memories from flashing. You said that I should be truthful; maybe I am truly an idiot, to tell you things which I know might hurt you. Guess it's a blur line between being truthful and white lies.
My trip to Phuket, did I not tell you how much I wished you were with me. You've condemned me since that very day when I took long to reply your message. Other messages you didn't remember, you only remembered that I messaged you when I'm bored. Why did I bother to carry my laptop there? You know it better than I do.
I tried my best to message you as often as I can. Were you not on my mind? Have you thought that I've forgotten about you? My presents to you, are they not appreciated at all?
Other than the first morning, days were packed, especially the last day, I had no access to my mobile the whole day. Guess you didn't know about it. I was barely in the room till late at night and Phuket was 3 hours behind Brissy. To you all these were excuses, you've only seen the point, I’ve given you a late reply and I've forgotten about you after I met up with my colleagues, yes it's my fault.
The Phuket trip, one that got me recognition was also one that made you condemn me.
June your exams, yes it's my fault. I shouldn't have demanded your attention. Your perspective was different from mine. I told myself I'll not do it again. You condemned me again.
Winter holidays, you are back at least, our trip to Vietnam, our first time on the plane together, traveling together. Our encounter with those Swindlers, I was so afraid that they will injured you, no matter what; we're in a foreign land. If money can resolve, so be it. A trip that gave us a chance to know each other better...I love to sleep and eat...You enjoy watching a movie before sleep. I'm a kan cheong spider yet ya always so cool and calm.
You picked me up from work almost everyday without fail, I knew you were unhappy about having to wait for me during summer; did I not make an effort to do it right this time? Did you see the change? You only see what you've done "You picked me up everyday"; did you see what I've done on my part? Every night you accompanied me till you, just like how I have to pull myself to work, walking around like a zombie. As much as you've done, I've done my part to.
How did I felt, just got my increment yet making so many mistakes during month end, and putting my undone work aside? Guess you don't see that as a sacrifice, it just what I ought to do when you are back....it's all about me again..
Yes, it’s my fault I didn't turn up at the airport. You don't care whether the intention was there or not, you only see one thing "I didn't turn up", that's all. Rang you early morning to make sure you are awake, took a day leave to help you packed and tidy your room, was that appreciated?
Did I not stress to you about communication before? If you want me to, I will.
You told me you understand that girls mean the opposite of what they said.
"I want to forget you"..." I gonnna miss you badly that I can't imagine doing without you".....Do you really think I want to forget you? Yes it's my fault, I should give you the simplest sentence. Guess it thrills you to see me tear for you, see me express my love for you yet I only see it from my part, I don't want you to see me cry again, I don't want you to know that I need you so much.
You started treating me differently, I merely asked you why? You started raking up the past one by one, what I've done wrong. That was when I realized, you've always bear grudges against me. Do you dare say you've never done anything wrong? One good example, you criticized about my friends. I told you frankly, I'm not happy about that comment, you apologized and I never bring it up again. It's like ok.Forgive and Forget. Erased.
You said I don't deserve your morning message, nvm, I'll prove to you I do, I made effort to message you to wake you up. Did you notice? I guess probably not.
I asked if you noticed that we are drifting apart, you started asking me what I want...yes it's my fault. I shouldn't ask. You told me to be frank, and be truthful, if I notice something I ask and clarify. All I wanted to know is are you busy? What have you been up to? What if you are in my shoes, all I ever tell you is I'm busy, I'm tired, and I’m going to sleep? I don't concentrate on our conversation.
You don't like me to move away without putting BRB, I make effort to tell you I'm away, and did you not notice that? You don't like me to check mail when chatting, fine. I'll check it before I chat with you; I want to be committed to spend sometime in a day knowing how has your day been? Guess it's foolish in your eyes.
Yes, it's my entire fault. I shouldn't have been sensitive to all your words and actions. I shouldn’t have read into details, why your messages have gotten so short, why our chats have shorten down, why have we not videoed for so long, why have we not heard each other voices for long.....and the list goes on and on...I felt as though you've forgotten about me....You've never bother to understand the reason, you only see it as I want your attention.
Do you agree that you've not changed? You used to be concern about me reaching home late; do you give a bloody dam now? No you don't. There I am being a fool, waiting for you to get home, checking if you are alright, worrying that you tell me you've gotten into an accident again.
I never want to question you, who are you with? What did you do? Where did you go? I don't want to be those girls who are possessive, suffocating their bfs with their questioning. I want to know as well, I still believe if you want to tell me, you will...just like how I like to share with you my days and my life (perhaps you never enjoy, merely entertaining me by pretending you do)
Since we've gotten together, all my leaves to date were taken for you and you only, in my view, time with you is never a waste. Everything that you do is a sacrifice, yet what I've done is not. I don't count the number of sacrifices....perhaps you've counted, that's why you no longer see a future.
I know you've used your savings for my ticket; did I not make sure I passed you money for expenses there? Did I not volunteer to pay for our air tickets and accommodation? As much as you've put in your bit, I've put in my bit as well. What did you tell me? I'm a waste of your dad's petrol money....What if I tell you, you are a waste of my leave? You got me thinking, why do I have nothing to say each time you list out sacrifices. I guess all these sacrifices I've done as no biggies, and you deemed them to be a molehill compared to yours.
I said I want to do things like before you exist, yet you insist that it's implying that I don't need you. I tell you I need you, I need your attention; you told me you can't give me. If I turn it around and tell you, I don't need your attention, will you feel better? Isn't that telling you, I don’t need you, you make no difference?
You've chosen to give up because you've had enough and you see no future.
Future is built up by two parties; you're not a fortune teller....
You were defensive and said you'll never say things you can't promise...
You once promised you'll not leave me....why say that when you can't do it...
Now you know why I'm so reluctant to give my best effort, to be fully indulged into this relationship, but I trust you, I have faith in you that you'll not hurt me...but you did....
Read the heartwarming story of Tatty Teddy, and how he came to be...which is why he is so special.
