I had a weird dream last night, dreamt that I was in India, I was terrified, rooted in front of the money changer, holding my wallet tightly, it was crowded, terrorists ready to pull my wallet away, wishing that he'll appear right now. I was helpless.....Being racist in my dream, I mentioned how Vietnam is much better, at least the people are not as dark.
Don't know what to say, don't know what to do, standing at this junction not knowing how to cross the road. Why? I have a million Whys for him...but somethings just do not have an answer. It just is. She said he made up his mind, he decided that he doesn't want to be with you. There's no reason, the reason is he does not want to be with you....why?
Why...no recollection of memories of us in him... My daily life has traces of him everywhere..sitting where I'm sitting, I can see him, almost as tall as the door,walking into the with a cup of Ribena in a black shirt asking if I want some. The cubicle next to mine, not empty, I can see him asleep with his books, the swimming pool, how we raced...and he has never failed to catch me, the many gulps of chlorine water I had.due to excitment...Dinner at Pasir Ris last wkend, drive up the TPE, Pasir Ris, reminded me of him, the drive to Fishermans village.
Orange Grove, my surprise appearance, a long walk but I know but it will surprise him. There I was, and he didn't realised it was me coz he didn't think that I'll walk this far... Distant may be very far if one is walking alone from one end to another, but when both are walking towards each other, it shorten........
I've only been waiting at the other side for him, and there he is, walking and walking, tired..he's tired....Why didn't he shout out to me that he wants me to walk up....he wants me to realise...now that I've realised....he said it's too late......
Be positive...now that you know some of the whys, treat this period of a time as a cooling time, to do what you said you will, to emerge with more patience. but I still want to believe it was him that I knew, the image of him has never changed in my heart...the memories shared gripped me so much, how could it not grip him a little at all.....my heart aches at everything that happened.... Memory keeper I will always be.......
To become Stronger than the you of yesterday....
Can you hear me? @ | Saturday, September 15, 2007
*.* When You're gone *.*
When You're Gone--Avril Lavigne
I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd need you there when I cry And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok I miss you
I've never felt this way before Everything that I do reminds me of you And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now
We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were, yeah All I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
Can you hear me? @ | Saturday, September 15, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Ever woke up crying when you were actaully crying in your dream?
I dreamt of him last night, dreamt that we were going for foot reflex, but it was not Peace Centre. He suggested another place that resemble Vietnam, saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore so we can't go to Peace centre. It was all weird...but I could see him enjoying his favourite foot reflex....
The other night, I had another dream, of us going to a relationship reconciliation class held at someone's house. Expensive class but the house did not have air conditioning, but was filled with attendees...Highly recommended class..................
What's all these dream about....
Requested to write something for my Vietnam trip for Clearwater Chronicles.... Just want to make me cry more.....
Can you hear me? @ | Friday, September 14, 2007
*.* Why....God will make a way *.*
Sometimes don't you have so many "Why" yet you can't have the answer now....A told me Pastor Jim stepped down from the Youth Ministry...Why...He's the coolest Pastor! He's done so much to bring the Youth Ministry to the next level...God has other plans for him..
A started telling me how he thought has has put his past behind him yet he hasn't all this while...the past still haunt him..I look at myself, I'm such a weakling,what is my past compared to others, a molehill to a mountain....What kind of storm have I experienced and what others have experienced....
I miss our conversations, we've got so caught up with our life but you've never forgotten each other, today's he asked me to chat abit longer haha that's rare he pointed out my bad habit,kekeke,I interupted before he finished his sentence...yet we both laughed at how it's me...Angie Wangie..
Been so long since we update each others life, openness, where you can pour out your sorrow yet he will not judge you, say what you want, will not probe further if you dont want to, disappoinment you brought to each other..I'll never forget that look when his past was haunting him again.Disappointed why he tried so hard yet only to turn back, like how I did the same.End of the day, you just sit back and laught.How many times he's annoyed each other but each time hahaah we just forget awhile later.It's just him.Don't you just cherish friends like that...Friendships which can sustain the test of time....He, a kid who refuses to face reality, trying to remain a student for as long as he can, how work does make a person change his/her perspective...I want my Naruto DVDs back!
What is past when there's no future, past are tools that hold people together for the future...
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way He works in ways we cannot see He will make a way for me He will be my guide Hold me closely to His side With love and strength For each new day He will make a way He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness He'll lead me And rivers in the desert will I see Heaven and earth will fade But His Word will still remain He will do something new today
Can you hear me? @ | Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
dammm it..I HATE GUYS WHO TRY TO HOLD MY HANDS WHEN WE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN FRIENDS...fuck mann...dammm it.....Yes. Lunch was a good catch up. But it doesnt mean anything......dammm it...washed my hands clean....with lotsa soap, dettol...I hate it!
Having broken up with my bf doesnt mean that when you lend me a listening ear, I'll fall for you.....doesnt mean you can attempt to hold my hand........damm it I feel violated........darnnnnn. it's grosss when your hand is touched by someone you have no interest for........attacking me when I'm most vulnerable.........................
Call me conservative.it's only hand touch...but to me...hugs are reserved for special friends and loved ones...hands are meant to be held by my mum, my sister, special friends and him.....
I was looking at the Vietnamese menu....with tears in my eyes... Ate Vietnamese springrolls...eeekk...nothing can beat Nyong anymore....All the food served reminded me nothing but Vietnam, it was only 2 mths ago and how things have changed.....
back from lunch, he's still messaging....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
give me more soap
Can you hear me? @ | Thursday, September 13, 2007
Suprised to receive a message from MD to ask me how's things with my bf. Most of the guys have stayed away from me once knowing that I'm attached. So out of the blue...he asked me out for lunch at Indochine tomorrow, asking me to dress up for lunch..ok I shall...to celebrate a new begining for me and the begining of a new job for him hahaha...hmmmm..It's nice to know that he's inviting me over to taste his cookin, asking me to go serangoon garden..to see that little puppy...Oh well.some guys are just meant to be kept as friends, you've put them on the friends ladder right from the begining. If things were to happen, it would have happened in aus years back....
Teach me how to look at the Singapore river the same way as before.....I'll never forget that afternoon spent looking at the river, that evening at the river, that night triming his brow at the river...those times he waited for me by the river....the curry puffs and soy milk...how I waited at the river, trying to get a feel how he felt while waiting for me...
We were young and innocent, believed in the power of love. The overwhelming feelig to be able to find someone so ideal.
Looking at the pink diary...tears just welled up in my eyes again...
"Why I love you? To hold my hands in suffering or in joy,been told to love you, and so I should. But when you yourself need taking care of, remember to turn to me! Your sorrow and your joy, Know that I'll always be there for you.. To pick you up when you fall...And to carry you over puddles of water.. The advanced birthday greeting.. No matter what happens, I'll love you.. And that will never change! I know that we'll make it to the day As long as you hold my hand and walk with me together... True love means as long as I'm there for you, you'll never need anything!"
Call me naive, call me a fool, I believed every single word for what's call trust and love. You trust that no matter what, this person will not hurt you. His claims of never saying things he cant fufil.......Yes yes...we both know, it's just a false claim. Promises change with time and environment.
It's all but a pack of lies...empty promises engraved in black and white....Will always be a constant reminder not to use my heart agin.
Once bitten, Twice shy....nothing but a fool when it's thrice...
Can you hear me? @ | Thursday, September 13, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
With Age Comes Wisdom..Really?
Can you hear me? @ | Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
*.* Age..... *.*
What does it mean to be 21, 24, 30, and 60? What does your age symbolize? The level of maturity? Guess there’ll never be an answer…
Have you ever seen your own behavior being reflected through someone else? Words that you’ve said yet you never know how it feels like to be in the other party’s shoes? Actions that you do without a second thought which you deemed right yet hurt the party.
Let’s call her Amaza, a legal executive who joined my firm couple of months ago. Her actions are reminding me how naïve I’ve been, how it feels to be in the other party shoes. Words said like “I don’t want to talk to you”, “Of coz you don’t remember what you said because your words were so nasty”, unlimited amount of tears…She declined my meeting request with no reason, just because she thinks our Finance team has done her wrong.
All her actions just reminded me of how I’ll ignore people just because I don’t feel like it, my emotions, and how others have to ensure. At 24, it’s something that I’ve done that I’m not proud of. I so much feel like giving her a slap, Hey, please wake up, life is not a bed of roses, you can be the princess at home but at work, everyone’s just a rat, all caught up in this mad race, be it victory or not, you’ll only remain a rat…..No pain no Gain, I finally understood what all this quotes and cliché means. I was like her before, sobbing and sobbing over work, how unbearable it was, injustice, what can I do, cry the whole office down, environment doesn’t change for you, you change for the environment.
¼ of me does sympathize with her, I understand how hard it is to control emotions, but you have to try, no matter how unbearable it is, as long as you try to control a little each time, it accumulates, you’ll have the ‘power’ to hold your emotions better. ¾ of me feels that she’s such a brat, it’s definitely not the behavior that I’ll expect from someone much older than me, tears, does she think that tears can create miracle? But then, am I not pointing to myself? Hahah….Now I understand how it feels to be seeing myself from the 2nd and 3rd party point of view.....Looking at myself with disgust....How could I?
Seeing is believing,what to do next?
Can you hear me? @ | Monday, September 10, 2007
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Why do I still tear, how many times have I told myself, I won't tear but each time I failed....Why.......I'm tearing at how there was not a single Happy Birthday greeting from him.... He knows how much birthday means to me, it's not that he's forgotten, he chose not to remember, to convince me to give up, give up all hope that it's over. He doesn't even want to be friends.....The 2007 pink diary....8th Sep 2007....
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
Can you hear me? @ | Sunday, September 09, 2007
*.* My 24th.....Goodbye 23 *.*
BIG THANK YOU TO ALL for Birthday wishes and presents!!!!!! Love you lots. Thank you for making 8th September a special day for me.
Greetings from Mark at 1am but to the wrong phone number, hehehe, someone who shares the same birthday as me, so whenever it's my birthday, it just reminded me of his birthday as well, we'll born like 10++ mins apart.
Thank you S & H for the dinner, and presents! Huggies! It's been 11 years...Toast to our friendship tonight!!
Thank you to my boss and colleagues who surprised me yesterday. Tears rolled down my eyes when I received the bouquet of flowers. Lovely lunch at Coffee Club and Dinner at TCC.
Thank you Miranda, sending me flowers all the way from Beijing!...*touched touched* A dozen of pink roses, yes pink...sob sob sob.... I can never look at pink roses the same way as before....
Thank you Jeslyn for the birthday cake though it's sponsored by Mummy, hahaha, the effort of hiding the cake for me is appreciated.
I wore those rose quartz earrings tonight, pretty aren't they.Sometimes it's not that you don't appreciate but certain things are kept for special occassion only.
My heart still aches at how easily I can be forgotten...........................Somehow I dislike my birthday, too much sad memories reminded......He showed me what is hope and light at my 23, and what is disappointment and darkness at 24........
Thank you Jeslyn for the birthday cake though it's sponsored by Mummy, hahaha, the effort of hiding the cake for me is appreciated.
