Spent my whole morning trying to solve an error from my monthend. Great, I did my own work, passed 2 levels of reviews and somehow, I don't feel confident, did a double check and Bingo, one line on the analysis didn't make sense to me.
Work's piling up again....one after another...1 HK Audit report to review...eeekkk....2 Mauritius Audit reports to chase for, 1 Singapore Unaudited report to prepare....Got it from my corporate secretary yesterday, I've never heard her so angry before. It's not such a big mistake,just get the resolutions re-signed that's all. She even mentioned that my directors are idiot. kek Thought that's funny. Does she realise that we're her client? Nvm, she's good, I trust her, let her scold...at least I learnt something new. Just make sure it doesn't happen the next time.
It's monthend again, 2 entities out, 5 entities to go. Geneva training is up next.....
ok stop thinking of work.
It's Friday, the night of the week with the best sleep....
Can you hear me? @ | Friday, August 03, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
*.* 我只想轟轟烈烈愛一场 *.*
"我只想轟轟烈烈愛一场"...I once said to a friend...It came true...I did...... These few days, I've been thinking, thinking...his words came knocking on me...all his words are just telling me, I'm not ready to be a relationship. I don't know what are the dos and donts. My idea of being in a relationship means I can be who I am, nothing to hide about, I can be myself at all ease. I thought it's true but it's not. Sometimes, to be yourself, you hurt the other person unawaringly. I still have not learnt to see things in his perspective and spare a thought for him. Assumptions.
Maybe it's time to let go, do something about myself first before entering into a relationship again. How came I be in one when I'm so problematic, making this relationship more problematic than ever. It just tired everyone out.
Gradually, I can see the past coming to haunt me again...It happened before, I doubt I have the capability to go through this again.....It's me, I'm the one with problems......Fix myself first...
Did some soul searching, are you willing to let go over such issues, No I'm not.
I'm loss....
Goodbye Alice in Wonderland---Jewel
It's four in the afternoon I'm on a flight leaving L.A. Trying to figure out my life and My youth scattered along the highway
Hotel rooms and headlights I've made a living with a song Guitar as my companion Wanting desperately to belong
Fame is filled with spoiled children we grow fat on fantasy I guess that's why I'm leaving I crave reality
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland Goodbye yellow brick road There is a difference between dreaming and pretending I did not find paradise It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting what’s been missing in my life
I'm embarrassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliché I hit the bottom when I reached the top but I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart I thought you had to love me But you did not
Yes, a heart can hallucinate If it's completely starved for love It can even turn monsters into Angels from above
You forged my love just like a weapon And turned it against me like a knife You broke my last heartstring But you opened up my eyes
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland Goodbye yellow brick road There is a difference between dreaming and pretending That was not love in your eyes It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching For what’s been missing in my life
And growing up is not an absence of dreaming Its being able to understand the difference between The ones you can hold and the ones that you've been sold But dreaming is a good thing Cause it brings new things to life Pretending is an ending That perpetuates a lie Forgetting what you are Seeing for what you've been told
Truth is stranger than fiction this is my chance to get it right Life is much better without all of those pretty lies
So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland You can keep your yellow brick road Cause there is a difference between dreaming and pretending These are not tears in my eyes They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding I've found what’s missing in my life
Can you hear me? @ | Thursday, August 02, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I've never like parting at the airport since I was young.
Clearly remember seeing my godparents off at the airport, they were embarking on this long trip to UK for years. I cried amongst the many people who were there. I was teased by the crowd for being a crybaby. Misato,this Japanese girl who came to Singapore for exchange program at my house did homestay with us. I cried when I went to see her off at the airport. Mum cried too. I used to ask Mum, who do people have to part? 天下无不散之宴席....why isn't there a banquet that will never end? Remember how teary it was when I had to bid farewell to my family at the airport for Brissy. I saw Dad cried, gradually Mum started tearing too and the last person that I expect to tear, teared, Mario.....only Jeslyn didn't understand what was happening. She thought I was going to Puala Ubin. I dread parting at the airport, that very sight of my loved ones crying, made me tear even more. Soanne and Yin came, super touched, I ate the dumpling from Yin on the plane, with my tears falling into the soup. First summer, I left Brissy for Singapore, I teared when I bid farewell to Mrs Chun and David at the airport. Left Singapore for Brissy, I teared again. Summer 2005, I came back to Singapore for summer holidays, Alex sent me off to Brissy airport, I teared. End of Summer, left for Brissy again, I teared. Looking teary in the pictures with mum at the airport. How embarrassing. Finally, I've completed my studies, left Brissy for Singapore. I'm such a weakling, I teared when I had to part with Jazi, Alex & Huey...... I'm a crybaby....all the time I have to remind myself that I will not tear but I always do.....I've tried concealing, running to the toilet to cry instead. Especially that very moment when you check in, I never want to turn ard, I don't want them to see me break down in more tears....... I dislike the airport, so cold, so icy, full of teary memories.... He had to leave after summer, I braced myself up, I'll not cry at the airport, I'm old enough. I still did...... This time round, I thought I'll not go to the airport, a grave mistake I made.........I dislike parting at airport, I dislike having that glass as a barrier....I dislike being alone after parting.....Nobody will understand the chill down my spine when I'm at the airport............
Can you hear me? @ | Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
*.* Change my heart O God *.*
All the while, I bear in mind that God gives and God takes.He gives me the best things in life yet I know one day He'll take it all from me if I misbehave....
Once he has given, I tried to turn a deaf ear against Him, too ashamed to face him...When your most trusted ones fail you, He will never fail you because He's almighty. I wanted so much to draw near to you,so much so much yet I don't know how.I went against promises I made to you, over and over again. I've sinned,cycle of guilt, confession, vowing to not do it again, and again failing. I know you'll forgive yet I do not dare to ask for your forgiveness...Thank you for not forsaking me ...There's only this much that I can bear when I'm all alone.....I need you, I want you Lord....
You've given me the most perfect guy, all that I ever wanted, yet I've tarnish this relationship, knowing deep down that it will never work if I don't place You as the focal point. yes, we've not encourage each other spiritually, I've not been praying for him, praying for this relationship to work in Your name, we've not seek you together for wisedom when we encounter problems, Both of us are vulnerable in the same way and we both knew it. In this relationship, I thought I found comfort but I've now carried into it fear, guilt, and shame that I had not realized.
Renew my heart Lord, change my heart O god, teach me to be kind and understanding like You, teach me to love in this relationship,teach me to do everything without complaining or arguing,so that I can become blameless and pure, universe, Teach me to trust completely, I long for a peaceful heart like Yours..
I'm just an ugly shell when I do not have the attitude should the same as that of Christ Jesus, but that of sinful man only.
You've removed the rock that I've been placing on my heart....
Change My Heart Oh God
Change my heart oh God Make it ever true Change my heart oh God May I be like You
Change my heart oh God Make it ever true Change my heart oh God May I be like You
You are the potter I am the clay Mold me and make me This is what I pray
Change my heart oh God Make it ever true Change my heart oh God May I be like You
Can you hear me? @ | Monday, July 30, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
*.* By your side--Sade *.*
I've finally found the song..the song that we both listened to when we were having our massages in Vietnam. The smell of cucumbers placed on our faces.How relaxing....it happened only a month ago yet it felt like eons ago...
This song is just so beautiful, the lyrics, the voice..
read the lyrics "when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again i will find you darling and i will bring you home and if you want to cry i am here to dry your eyes and in no time you'll be fine"
By your side--SADE
you think i'd leave your side baby you know me better than that you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees i wouldn't do that i'll tell you you're right when you want and if only you could see into me ha ah ah ah ah ah
oh when you're cold i'll be there hold you tight to me
when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in i will show you you're so much better than you know when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again i will find you darling and i will bring you home
and if you want to cry i am here to dry your eyes and in no time you'll be fine
you think i'd leave your side baby you know me better than that you think id leave you down when you're down on your knees i wouldn't do that i'll tell you you're right when you want and if only you could see into me ha ah ah ah ah ah
oh when you're cold i'll be there hold you tight to me when you're low i'll be there by your side baby
oh when you're cold i'll be there hold you tight to me oh when you're low i'll be there by your side baby
Don't you wish beautiful memories will never end....and can go on forever... It all felt like a dream, sometimes some things are just too good to be true...yet was convinced that it's reality...only to realise yes it was reality in a dream...Wake up girl..wake up! One last time listening to this song and I'll wake up. I have to stop painting my picture perfect coz there's no such things....it never will be perfect, it's flawed..flawed...
I remmeber when I was in Australia, this guy Manfred talked about how he sustained his long distant relationship for 2 years. His advice was to have constant chats, you can never save on calls and make sure it's everyday, be it a few minutes or hours.
Being in a long distan relationship is never on my to do list. I used to tell myself, I rather be single than to be in one. Never expect myself to be in such a situation never....I guess never say never, it all happened.....I'm just a bloody fool in love matters..In fact, I dislike the me in a relationship...why do I behave that way...Why am I so clingy..why....I told myself not to give my 100%, afraid that I'll be hurt, but was convinced to.use your heart...and I did.
Dig my heart out, I dont want to feel with my heart anymore, it's weak..I gave my 101%, perhaps that's why the blow is 2x greater on me than on him. I've became so pessimistic..why...fear,fear of losing him,I don't know why...Why is he my top priority list...why did I even abandon my work just to be cherish the time to be with him..why..work use to be more important than him, my priorities have changed...why did I allow myself to fall for the dark side...I've lost myself in the midst of crusing through..
Love fades, people change, only time will tell the truth, our goals and destinations might have changed during the journey.perhaps we only meant to be passers-by in life..to part at x road.... Perhaps I'm just meant to be single like I always have been...
